Marriage (part one)

Salam everybody. The prophet Mohammad pbuh, as narrated by Anas, said;

"when a man marries, he has fulfilled half of his religion , so let him fear Allah regarding the remaining half."

Islam encourages marriage because it upholds the family unit which Islam places importance on for many reasons that should seem very obvious. At any rate, I thought since the prophet Mohammad (pbuh) said the quote above, it is important to begin studying more deeply about it. I have learned a lot about marriage and the role of the wife through my studies as a Christian, but there is so much more to learn about this through Islam. I am not married myself, so this is something I want to prepare for through gaining more knowledge about Islam. Since I was old enough to consider it, I have always seen myself as a mother and wife. I was emotionally ready for that possibility, and everything I did, included the consideration of contributing to the lives of my future husband and children.

Even as a Christian, I knew I wanted to marry someone who I could picture as a good father, not just a good husband. Some people tend to overlook that important factor. He needs to be able to provide for my children not just materially, but spiritually and intellectually. I wanted my children to be able to grow up in a home with strong values and strong faith in Allah. I also thought it important that we compliment each other and someone who I could help. I see the wife as Christians do - not just as love, as a helper to her husband and a friend. As Eve was to be to Adam. I guess without even being aware of it at the time, deep down, I was waiting on a good Muslim.

Another thing that kept me from finding someone at the time was my career. I started working at the age of 16 to help my mom. I finished high school and started community college while working as well. I worked hard and turned out to be good at what I did. I ended up getting into an excellent career path and found success, and my job involved helping many people and trying to be the best example I could be to them. However my career was extremely time demanding and I worked all day long and traveled all around so I was never able to develop a social life except for to go to church and bible study.

I was content because my career involved serving the community and teaching young people important life skills and serving as a sort of ambassador for people coming from Asia and Latin America to work as professionals int the states. I taught them everything from literacy to English to money management to public relations. It was a very rewarding job to be able to help so many people. In addition to this, I was also taking classes at college part time. When I would be back at home, I would be so tired I would just want to spend time with my family. I worked in this career until I felt I could take a break from it to finish my university education and concentrate more on my spiritual life.

I was always very Christian and grew a lot spiritually through my experiences and career but I had questions that I needed to address that required more time dedicated to religious study. I left my career in early 2005. I studied Judaism and Hebrew that year intensively. As I stated in an early post, I wanted to study the roots of my religion, Christianity and its roots included Hebrew and Judaism. I still continue to study Judaism and Hebrew today, but now that I study Islam, Islam is number one for my religious study. I was able to dedicate much more time to myself now that I was not working and just going to college, which I really needed and i was able to complete all my required courses in order to enter the university as a junior. I got accepted into the university recently as I mentioned before. I have been studying Islam for a year now.

My plan was to go to the university to complete my degree in international business but also get my degree in Islamic studies. Since I am new to Islam, I have so much more to learn than someone who might have grown up as a Muslim. I want to make sure I have a base of knowledge of Islam and Arabic entering marriage because I want to be ale to help my children and be a good wife to my husband from the beginning. I know I will still have so much to learn and will continue to study even after I'm married of course, but I want to have a foundation first. I know how important it is to build strong foundations for everything in life. You do not build a tall building unless you first create a deep and well constructed foundation.

I have two more years until I get my first university degree. I figure two more years of waiting for marriage will be fine because I need to have some time just reflecting on my own person as a Muslim. Once I am married I am no longer just me, I am one with my husband so there are different dynamics there. However, I am at a bit of a crossroads.

I want to wait, and there are many good reasons for me to complete my university, but also good reasons why I should just marry now. I was thinking that since I don't know a lot of Muslims now anyway, and I will most likely meet people over time as I go to the university and attend the mosques, I will begin to develop a community of my own of Muslim friends. I am not worried about finding a husband because I know the Lord provides. I just want to properly do my part as well. In this culture, the emphasis is on the individual and the best thing one can do is have success through career or education. As for the cultural issue, MY priority is the family and Islam.

However, I do realize how valuable and helpful a good education is and I hope to have that because it will also contribute to my life and to the life of my entire family and community. However, I have realized recently that I need to be open to the possibility of marriage even if the opportunity comes before I complete my education because of my age. However, if I do that, I would still strive to complete my college education for the benefit of my life and the future. Before I learned what I learned about Marriage in Islam, I would never have considered the possibility of marriage before I finish school. I thought that it would not make sense to spread myself so thin.

I wanted to be able to focus completely on my marriage and not on both school and marriage at the same time. I still feel that way, but now I am more open to that possibility if that is what Allah wills for my life. I have read in many Muslim texts that marriage should not be put off or delayed especially if one has the means to do so. Another reason for me to have an open mind towards getting married is that choosing marriage is another way of displaying obedience to Allah.

A man, however should not marry if he or she does not possess the means to maintain a wife and future family, or if he has no sex drive or if he feels marriage will seriously affect his religious obligation.The general principle is that prophet (pbuh), encouraged his followers to get married.

The Arabic word "zawj" means "a pair or a mate." In general it refers to marriage. The general purpose of marriage is that the sexes can provide company to one another, love to one another, procreate children and live in peace adhering to the commandments of Allah.

One difference between Islam and Christianity that I have noticed through my study is that in Christianity there was no rush for me to marry. On the contrary, the pastor of the church recommended to wait until mature enough and have finished school if possible. Also, I thought by waiting and just devoting time to religious study and community service and educating myself, I was not doing anything wrong. But in Islam, putting of marriage is not recommended. On the contrary, if you can, get married. In the bible there is a part that states that it is good for the man to not marry, but this is only in the cases where it would affect his ability to perform his religious obligations. This is a part in the bible that I believe was exploited by the church with regards to Catholic bishops, etc. You know what I'm talkin' about....

As a Christian I learned that one of our roles on earth is servitude and shining the light of God through our lives. So while I was single, I wanted to dedicate my time and focus my energy on my own development and on the serving of others and that is what my career was about. But Islam has shown me how much being married can also be a blessing for the community, and not just for me and my family. One thing I love about Islam is how everything in day to day life is so well-defined, al7amdulellah. When it comes to marriage, there are so many guidelines, including that which we might just assume to be so, such as the consent of both parties to go into marriage and in choosing their mates.
One verse in the Qur'an states;

"Do not prevent them from marrying their husbands when they agree between themselves in a lawful manner. (2: 232)"

Another aspect is greatly emphasized by Imam Bukhari:

"When a man gives his daughter in marriage and she dislikes it, the marriage shall be annulled." Once a virgin girl came to the Prophet (peace be upon him) and said that her father had married her to a man against her wishes. The Prophet gave her the right to repudiate the marriage. (Abu Dawud).

Another interesting point about the process of marriage in Islam is about the "courtship." I put it in quotes because courtship in Islam is not viewed in the same way as it is in the western culture. I love this because I also agree with Islam that dating the western way is not in line with God's will for us. I wish that Christians today and the leaders of the church saw dating the same way that Muslims did, because I feel bad for all the people who are mislead in this. The Muslim way is so much healthier and wiser. Sub7anallah.

This passage is from one of my favorite website publications (http://www.usc.edu/dept/MSA/humanrelations/womeninislam/marriage.html
USC-MSA Compendium of Muslim Texts):

In order that problems should not arise after marriage the Prophet (peace be upon him) recommended that, in the selection of his bride, a man should see her before betrothal lest blindness of choice or an error of judgment should defeat the very purpose of marriage. But this "seeing" is not to be taken as a substitute for the "courtship" of the West. The man should not gaze passionately at his bride-to-be, but only have a critical look at her face and hands to acquaint himself with her personality and beauty. However, if a man so desires, he may appoint a woman to go and interview the proposed bride, so that she may fully describe the type of girl she is.

Since believing men and women are referred to in the Qur'an, a woman also has the right to look at her potential husband.

The special permission for men and women to see each other with a view to matrimony does not contravene the code of conduct for believing men and women to lower their gaze and be modest which is laid down in the Holy Qur'an.

And in closing, let me leave you with this verse from the Qur'an;

[24:32]
You shall encourage those of you who are single to get married. They may marry the righteous among your male and female servants, if they are poor. GOD will enrich them from His grace. GOD is Bounteous, Knower.

On that note, I highly recommend marriage to those who are single. I would love to be married and I think it is helpful for all who do the way Allah commands. Marriage is a fascinating and important topic for everyone. As for me, I hope to marry soon insha2 Allah. I am open to Allah's will for my life. Whatever He wills for me is what I want. Allah knows best. I will just do what I can to be a good Muslima and learn what I can by educating myself through the university and my personal study, praying at each step I take for Allah's guidance, and leave the rest in His hands. I hope to continue discussing it as I learn more. May this entry contribute to your pursuit of knowledge even if indirectly.
Alla ma3ak.